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This will be, I think, the feminist issue of our time: gendered bread.

GENDERED. BREAD.

Women come in all shapes and sizes but one thing they all have in common is the way their bodies work.

[…]

A healthy eating plan is also necessary for women to maintain a healthy weight and to help take care of their hearts, bones, breasts and digestive systems. The optimal diet for women is one which is rich in wholegrains, legumes, fish, low fat dairy and fruits and vegetables.

So if you  are part of this mythical race of women, whose bodies are all EXACTLY THE SAME, this bread is specifically designed for your borgified, mass-produced meat bags. Especially your breasts. This bread will take excellent care of your breasts, and help you to stay exactly as skinny as your production blueprint specified during fembot manufacture. It may or may not give your rich prospective husband a blowjob in lingerie.

However, if you happen to be a normal woman, whose body is completely different from all other women’s bodies and may or may not have breasts, this bread is probably just going to taste ok with Vegemite.

 

These days, men want to take more responsibility for their nutrition and health.

Fundamentally, men need to know that their body is much like a motorcar. Their body has the potential to be like a Formula 1 racing car, or a burnt out wreck depending on how it is managed and treated.

[…]

The foods that provide substances with care and maintenance functions for the human body are vegetables, fruits and legumes such as soy, and it is important to eat broadly from these foods daily.

While your woman is counting her vertebra and sexually servicing you with her new breadfound energy, you can fill up on manly carbs while you drive around the kitchen in your imaginary car: steering with your pecs, changing gear with your penis, and going ‘BROOOOOM!!! BROOM BROOOOOOM!!!’.

So obviously the benefits of this nutritionally advanced mixture of flour and water are manifold, but here’s a few they didn’t bother listing on the label:

  • Manufactures artificial physiological distinctions between men and women based on gender stereotyopes!
  • Presents men as more deserving of robust nutrients and women as in need of being slimmed and beautified!
  • Assesses men’s bodies as successful based on performance, and women’s based on appearance!
  • Erases differences between the bodies of individuals of the same gender!
  • Makes differences between products seem stark and healthful, when in fact both are virtually identical wholegrain loaves of fucking bread!

It just makes me wonder about the potential of this ‘different foods based on ridiculous stereotypes’ for making money. Queer bread, containing nine essential nutrients for the maintenance of a deviant and confused identity? Hetero bread, specially formulated to help you keep up the strenuous daily task of exercising straight privilege?! THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

Please suggest more stereotype breads. I will be sure to deny you loaf royalties when I sell the idea and make ill-gotten millions.

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